My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I could fuck to npr.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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