is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
