I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
