There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
