you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
