I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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