Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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