listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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