Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
