my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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