My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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