Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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