i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
