why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
