I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
