He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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