Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
