I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
