Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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