But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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