I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
