apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
