I bet he comes in French.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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