Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
