Don't make out with my wife yet
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
