It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize