Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Im part way to drunk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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