those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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