Well apparently he's into motor boating.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize