No stitches, just platelets and will power
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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