I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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