I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
