Me. At least after what I've been through.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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