and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
