I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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