I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
