I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
