A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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