I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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