My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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