i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
