I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
