I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize