Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
