Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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