I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
