if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
