I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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