Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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