I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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