I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
