just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
