i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
