im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
