she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
