You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
