I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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