someone threw a dead crab at me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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