Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize