Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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