Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
