I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
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