____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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