grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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