There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
