it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
