I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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