he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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