Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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