If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Randomize
