Betty ford says i'm here all night
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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