maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
