So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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