i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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